The Scared DadA Journey of a First Time Father

Feb 3rd Ugly Babies

Dear Lord,

I am sorry for talking shit about ugly babies.  Please do not let karma catch up to me.

-Every Parent Ever

That’s right,  ONE OF my biggest fears… ever.

Having an ugly baby.

Now Hold Up!  Don’t go getting on your high horses and pedestals made of clouds– people, cause you’ve done it too.  You’ve looked at a baby, and maybe had thought there was a chromosome or two missing, and we’re not talking down syndrome, because down syndrome is real sad… We’re talking *U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi, you UGLY, yeah yeah you Ugly,* ugly.  I know you’ve looked at a pair a parents and under your breath you’ve stated the possibility and likeliness of them having a baby only Sloth would love (Goonies reference?Check).  C’mon, I KNOW you’ve had funny looking kids in your classes in elementary school; you know, the ones that used to get made fun of for having a less than symmetrical face, or a whiteboard-sized forehead. So don’t pretend like they’re not out there.

I’ll say what you don’t want to say out loud.  I pray to God I don’t have an ugly baby.

As I sit here and think about this, I brought it up to a friend who exclaimed almost instantly…”WHAT… MAN you can’t say that.  All babies are beautiful.”  

Bullshit.  

Most babies are cute.  The others are normal.  Few… well… lets just say, there’s a few that we know will have a rough time getting asked to prom.  As I keep pushing the bullshit card, my friend admits, “I may have thought about it, but I’ve never said it with my mouth.”

Well there it is.

To know me is to know, that  somewhere down the line of my life… my filter broke. Meaning I usually say what comes to mind, no matter how off the wall or outrageous it is. But I don’t say what people haven’t thought about before.

Am I that bad of a person for verbalizing this?  C’MON… I mean really.

Here’s a fact; I would never tell a parent their child is ugly.

Here’s another fact; I do not treat ugly kids any differently than I treat anybody else. They’re people too… Just unfortunate.

And here’s another thing I worry about… sincerely.  If, and I seriously pray against it, but if I happen to have a child who is not so beautiful, am I as a parent really so enchanted that I won’t recognize that “Houston… we may have a problem… down the line of socialization issues?”  See and that’s the thing… not only are adults fucked up for thinking such things; KIDS ARE THE WORST.  Kids are are the Kings and Queens of mean.  Kids come up with the most clever ways to put down a person, and I don’t know what I would do if my kid came home crying everyday saying “*sniff* the kids at school are calling me Quasimodo,” where I would reply…  ” like those kids are smart enough to know who Quasimodo is.”  I know my parental obligation is to tell him that he’s not ugly, and some people are just dicks, and don’t worry, you’ll get laid in college because everyone’s drunk all the time…  or there’s uglier people in the Marine Corps who’ve found love, and to be the best person you can be, because we’re all beautiful on the inside, but are we really expected to forever stand by our little white lies and instill a false truth that looks don’t matter? (Ungh I hate how shallow that last sentence sounded…)

“We’re all beautiful on the inside,” isn’t that a phrase we can stop using already?  How much more of a dick can you be to justify flaws with that?  Cause the fact is… those kids who are bullying ugly kids ARE NOT beautiful on the inside… they’re little ugly assholes… myself included apparently.

The fact is that we as a culture are very critical.  We criticize everything from looks, to clothing, to cars, and jobs, even the friends we maintain.  We’re criticized for our education, our speech, our background, our parents jobs, our posture, or whether or not we’ve lost our virginity in our teens or our 20’s.  We are literally judged by everything you can think of.  I’m not accusing everyone of being judges all those things, but I bet you- the reader – can pick at least one of those things from the list and say “guilty,” even if you did so in a harmless way… like inside your head so nobody can hear you.

So with that being said, why is it wrong of me to vocalize that I hope my baby isn’t ugly?  I sincerely only want the best for my family, and I want him to live the easiest life possible (with my discipline and guidance of course), and fit in to social norms as a chameleon. I want him to stand out in ways that boost his confidence and his ego. Ways that will help him enjoy not only his childhood but life. I don’t want to wipe the tears from a sad crying face from a child who is worried about starting the next school year because of the bullies and lack of friends.

Look.  Ugly baby or not, I’m going to love my kid.  I’m going to adore him, and love him and snuggle him, and make sure that he’s as happy as possible.  It’s just easier for social development, and its even easier to move up the business world ladder if you have the advantage of not looking like this:

Seriously, before I do get an influx of hate mail… All babies are beautiful pretty cute adorable precious, and I hope and pray with all my might, that my baby isn’t affected by my insensitiveness.

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Posted in Did He Really Just Say That?, Dissapointment, Fearwith 14 comments.