The “I’m Not Going to do That With My Kids” Checklist

When you are about to have a child, you start thinking about all kinds of things.  How your life will change, and who you plan on becoming as a parent.  I think about it often; what I will and will not do… what qualities from my mom and dad will trickle over onto my own parenting guidelines.  Well I’ve created a brief little somethin’ somethin’ that I am going to write down for myself now, so the future me can come back to re-read and laugh at my simple-minded naivete for actually thinking I could’ve done things different than the majority of parents out there.

Here’s the “I’m not going to do that with my kids” checklist, all the things I’ll say I’m not going to do… I can’t wait to look back on this particular list:

  • I won’t force my kids to play sports they don’t want to play.
  • I won’t let my son wear dresses, put on nail-polish, or play with make-up unless it’s absolutely necessary for Halloween, or a fraternity initiation.
  • I won’t allow a Ouija board in my house.  Period.  NEVER.  Even if that shit’s not real… I’m not taking the chance.
  • I won’t make my kids clean up my bedroom.
  • I will encourage them to play the guitar… for my own personal jam sessions.
  • I won’t ignore them, even if it seems I’m actually ignoring them.
  • I won’t miss a game.  Elementary through Pro.  That’s right, high hopes!
  • I won’t let my kids takeover my bed…Not like ever, but they can’t think my bed is their own bed.
  • I won’t let them play games like Grand Theft Auto, Call of Duty, or anything super adult in nature, no matter if their friends play it or not.
  • I won’t let them get away with not eating their veggies.
  • They will do their chores.  No if’s, and’s, or but’s
  • I won’t curse nonchalantly.
  • I won’t live through my children, I will live for them.
  • I won’t allow my children to talk to an adult like they would their snot-nosed friends.
  • I won’t be a hover-dad.
  • I will embarrass them.  On purpose.  It’s my job.
  • I will not use “time-out” as my main go-to punishment.  Believe me… my mother introduced some creative forms of hell that I’ll never forget.
  • I won’t give in to begging.  We’ve already got two dogs.
  • We will eat dinner at the dinner table.
  • I won’t change my decision… unless my wife threatens me to.
  • I will not let them go to bed without overlooking their homework.
  • I will not give my child a cell phone for the purpose of pleasure… only for contacting family or in case of emergency.
  • I won’t argue with my wife in front of my children.
  • I won’t put my children down, but only boost them up.
  • I will not put up with bad manners.
  • I will not eat dinner with the tv on.
  • I won’t let them have their doors closed when the opposite sex is over.
  • I will teach them how to take a charge in the key.
  • I will actually use soap to wash out their mouths.
  • I will not leave them alone, when they say “leave me alone dad…”
  • I won’t force them to fight back, but if they do I won’t be mad at them for standing up for themselves.
  • I will use the phrase “I brought you in the world…” Only because its my turn to actually mean it.
  • I won’t talk about my relationship with their grandmother to them, because it is not my job to taint their little brains.
  • I won’t let them get away learning how to BBQ with propane… cause everyone knows charcoal is the shit.
  • I WILL NOT allow tablets and smartphones to rule my children’s life.
  • I won’t give them dessert unless they’ve finished their whole plate.
  • I will always help with homework, and I will not use the term “google it.”
  • I won’t let them win at Monopoly.

 

I won’t give up on my children.

 

There’s one I know I can keep.

 

 

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